Everything Else TechnologyWritten by Shara Enay On 26 July 2011

This is going to sound ridiculous, especially since I’m 30 years old and I’m a journalist, but I only recently got active on Facebook. I know, I know, it’s lame, but I’ve held out all this time for fear of becoming addicted. I’m on the computer all day at work and the last thing I wanted was to go home and be glued to my laptop until the wee hours of the morning looking at people’s pictures, reading updates and watching strange videos. I’ve seen Facebook take over many people’s lives, and I didn’t want to become another statistic.

Three weeks ago, I finally gave in. And in that brief period, I’ve already de-friended several people and have hid others’ comments because they were killing me with random, insignificant posts every 10 minutes, too many photos of themselves posing on their sofa at home, or saying belligerent things that I just couldn’t handle.

A coworker recently sent me this article from wikiHow about ways to annoy people on Facebook – probably because it reminded him of my numerous complaints about my new online “friends” and former friends. If you want to determine who are your true bffs, try implementing a couple of these and see who sticks around.

1. Treat Facebook like Twitter. Keep adding updates on the most mundane things, such as, “I just woke up,” “I’m tired,” “This oatmeal tastes like garbage,” etc. Assume people want to know every second of your life – don’t hold back anything.

2. Update how much you love your significant other. Constantly mention things such as, “Stacey is the greatest gf in the world!” or “JC and I are soooooo in love!” This will make all your single friends annoyed that they aren’t in a relationship and they’ll soon feel like you’re rubbing it in their face. Try to be cheesy and unrealistic when it comes to saying why you love your significant other so much, that’ll really annoy people. If you don’t have a partner, write about how much you love your pets, gadgets, and other material things like your car, new purse, hot new hairdo. Show off and flaunt them as much as possible to really get under their skin.

3. Update about Mob Wars, Farmville/Cityville, and other Facebook applications. Did you level up? Did you find a little, lost, abandoned, black sheep? If so, tell people about it. Expand by asking your friends to help you get that hot air balloon on Farmville or to help your crops grow while you’re out of town. They’ll love you for it.

4. Abuse upper and lowercase letters. Upper and lower case every other letter. It doesn’t matter what you type about, just utilize this method as much as possible. It’ll take forever for your friends to decode, especially if you write long-winded paragraphs on their walls. Or, SHOUT all the time and act like you haven’t a clue why it’s annoying.

5. Pretend to lose your phone or contact lists every other day and ask for your friend’s numbers each time. To take it up a notch, send mass messages out asking for everyone’s number. That way, whenever someone replies, your friends get notification after notification about something that has nothing to do with them.

6. Invite your friends to as many causes and groups as you can find. It may be “Help 1,000 People Get Rice” or “Raise Awareness for Cancer,” but whatever it is, invite people every day to causes that are near and dear to your heart.

7. Constantly preach about religion and politics. Nuff said.

8. Proclaim how YOUR baby is the most unique, gifted, and intelligent in the world. Nobody else’s baby is nearly as smart or as beautiful or as unique as yours. Make certain to also allow your entire existence to be defined and validated by your new baby, because he or she is certain to be your best friend for the rest of your life. Set your baby’s photo (which looks identical to any other baby ever born) as your profile picture.

9. Post timely statements frequently and regularly. Exclaim your desire or demand for coffee every morning, or proclaim “TGIF” every Friday, because your friends will be thankful for the reminder that it’s Friday.

10. Make sure to comment on every single entry, no matter how irrelevant your opinion.

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About Author

Shara Enay

Shara Enay is a writer for Hawaii Business magazine. She is a graduate of Kaimuki High School and the University of Hawaii at Manoa. In her free time, she enjoys spending time with family and friends, going to the beach, traveling and watching UH sports.

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11 comments
solar savings
solar savings

Hey, thanks for the article. Will read on…

fergusonsarah
fergusonsarah

Hahaha! Yes, this is really a great list! You can also add replying to their post with something utterly unrelated reply!

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Stephanie Barnes
Stephanie Barnes

That's hilarious.I only recently got active on Facebook and I'm turning 31.Even before I am not interested about facebook.Only my closest friend who taught me in.Until now,I open it for quite sometime.That's not part of my everyday routine.Thanks for sharing.

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evelynonline80
evelynonline80

I annoy FB because they change these things without notice, and then leave it up to users to figure out how it works.

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myhealth
myhealth

Sounds funny but interesting but then I don't have any time to annoy my friends on Facebook because it will annoys me too. I have huge number of friends and I can't manage to annoy them all. Well, you made a great article here and I enjoy reading it.

brad21
brad21

Thanks for sharing this funny article. I recognize a few points of this article in some of my friends. Keep on the good work with the articles.

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Promotional umbrellas
Promotional umbrellas

I’m so pleased I uncovered this post. I’ve been trying to find these details for some time now. How can i go about being informed of there are any new posts?

AliceDunn
AliceDunn

Hey Shara,

Thanks for the list, I'm not sure if I should tell my facebook friends though. They could either realize their mistakes and stop being annoying. Or they could get more ideas to annoy me on facebook. >_<

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StephRWong
StephRWong

ahaha this is great! I see this kind of stuff everyday! It's ridiculous. But hey, that's what social media will always become and there will always be those types of Facebook people, as stated in @genyrant (http://genyrants.com/4-different-types-of-facebook-people/). Anyway, great post--I'm with you all the way haha.

And as a Community Manager Intern at Livefyre, welcome! Let me know if you have any questions. :)

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